Antiochus condemns Jewish extremists, calls for labelling of products made by Judeans

Judea_Judas_Makk

Article from The Seleucid Times, dated December 7, 165 BCE

Antiochus IV Epiphanes, king of the Seleucid monarchy, has told reporters that Jewish extremists are guilty of “disproportionate force” in the battle over the temple in Jerusalem. He said Yehuda HaMakabi’s revolt was “illegal” and “not in accordance with international law.” The liberation and rededication of the temple, he claimed “is an act of Zionist colonialism that must be condemned in the harshest terms.”

Antiochus said that reports of a flask of oil lasting eight days is “obviously a Zionist conspiracy designed to manipulate the market price of olive oil on which the Palestinian economy depends.” The king called on the Palestinians – who have lived on the land for 231.4 million years – to “rise up against the Maccabean oppressors.” Throwing rocks and stones at Judean civilians, he said, is a “perfectly legitimate form of resistance.”

He also called on the international community to introduce labelling on products manufactured by Judeans and suggested that sanctions and boycotts should be implemented to force the Judeans into making concessions over the status of Jerusalem. Antiochus also hinted that the Seleucid Security Council will, in the coming days, vote on whether to adopt a resolution that determines the Hanukkah menorah “as a symbol of racism and racial discrimination.”

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[This, of course, is satire. But this is how the modern media would report the Jewish revolt against Antiochus.]

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